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The Horror, the Horror

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Dec 18 2012 at 10:44 AM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff

When I saw Karl Rove on FOX near tears, bravely denying Obama had won Ohio as traitors across the country conceded one swing state after another to the Kenyan-born half-breed, I calmly handed my Prensado (badly chewed) to my valet and  instructed him to phone our pilots to prepare the de Havilland.

The flacid phallic of Florida hangs undecided as I write this from a posh bunker deep in the bowels of the earth far from my beloved Texas. I hate to admit I hedged my bets like a good hedge-fund manager, but I  have enough canned food and potable water to last at least four years. Does anybody have Ted Nugent’s cell phone number? Is he waiting in the hills with other legitimate Republican patriots? Are they armed with guitars, or something more substantial? If only Ted had sung “Cat Scratch Fever” for our fundraisers like Springsteen’s voice screeched “We take care of our Own” for the demrats – oh, Lord, don’t let me stray from the path of righteousness.

Of course I’m not blaming Ted, but some levity is necessary at times of such peril. There’s plenty of blame to go around. Primarily I point the fickle finger of fate at our feckless software engineers. Did some liberal scoundrel tell them about Mike Connell’s “mysterious” plane crash that came just after he was subpoenaed and Karl Rove warned him that he needed to take the fall for the 2004 (statistically impossible) midnight vote shift in Ohio from Kerry to Bush? Connell's plane crashed in 2008 the day before he was scheduled to testify about that caper. Now, all legitimate Republicans know as well as I do that it’s just "conspiracy theory" to imagine his death had anything to do with election fraud. I only mention it now to point out that some "connected" liberals could easily have misused that information to scare our own people and stifle us this round.

We’ll get more courageous software talent in place next time. Meanwhile, our response must be swift and merciless. We need to triple-down on trickledown, double-down on xenophobia, paranoia, our victimhood, mis- and disinfo, and figure how to secure more cash from the Koch bros, Sheldon Adelson, Wall Street and the Chamber of Commerce. How did we lose with Citizens United giving us such a huge financial advantage? Does the rabble who voted for Obama really think they have power over money? I spit on their hollow “victory.” It will be short-lived. Our Congressional majority will easily, once again, keep him in check. Keep the faith, all. Our money will rise again!



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