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Our God-given Rights During Chinese Virus

C. Wadsworth
Posted on Apr 13 2020 at 12:33 PM
Latest Articles | C. Wadsworth

In this time of a Chinese pestilence, we here at HoustonRepublican.com will not allow slant eyed bug people, loony left Demonrats, or any other Godless filthy Fifth Column collaborators to threaten our republic under the cover of “pandemic protection”. Their Commie ideas are the REAL contagion to our blessed system. So to prevent an even greater national tragedy to our completely collapsing Rube Goldberg service economy AND reassert our unconditional God Given Rights, we have crafted a freedom loving free market solution to encourage essential services continue and honor our Constitution. Therefore we hereby offer the MAGOG (Masturbation, Assembly, Guns Or God) Act of 2020. This law would offer a direct grant to businesses that both provide and protect multiple provisions of the Bill of Rights, but only if offered at the same location. For example: First Baptist Bullets could have church services and sell ammunition but in honor of their abstinence would never be forced to sell alcohol whereas Temple Beth Booze could sell Uzis and Manischewitz but no crosses. The Adult Bookstore Assembly of God, St. Richard’s Boy Sex Dolls and Catechisms, Mohammed’s Korans, Hookahs and Virtual Child Brides: the possibilities are endless! I’ve already registered the corporate name C Wadsworth Longfellow’s Holy Shooting Gallery, Distillery, and XXX Theatre. After all, what could be more American than pounding rounds of vodka, praying to Jesus while discharging firearms at menacing faceless black targets, then rubbing out “a good one” over the porn of your choice? And the MAGOG Act also designates as Houses of Worship ALL Porn Shops, Strip Clubs & Massage Parlors (provided social distancing rules are strictly enforced), Gun Dealers, Pawn Shops, Liquor Stores and (In Deference to federalism and in the states where they are legal), Cannabis Clubs. Oh, and I almost forgot: Churches etc. Finally, in cooperation with the oleaginous oligarch Bill Gates, the act subsides a series of drive thru “Vaccine Party Barns” where patrons can obtain a shot of Jager and a shot of “diluted” Coronavirus (adulterated with a variety of unknown chemicals and sterilization agents). And the receipt texted to your Smart Phone will serve as your “clearance certificate“ or what the Chinks call your “internal passport” so you can freely travel to and from our essential businesses before you are forced back into your home “for everyone’s good”. #StaySafe! May The Lord continue to bless us with the wisdom of God Emperor Trump (our modern King Cyrus) and Vice President Pence-whose resilient resistance to Vice inspires all of us to reflect upon why we are suffering these current plagues. May everyone enjoy a healthy journey through our shared sacrifices in the days ahead! C WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW is self isolating in the Texas countryside with a full bar, freezer of meat, and his woman cleaning and cooking by his side

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