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New NFL Image Rules

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Feb 03 2016 at 9:49 AM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff

NFL Comissioner Roger Goodell established new image rules today to better insure positive media messages if not true domestic bliss for NFL players and their wives, children, friends and criminal associates. He has established a running list of proper behaviors which we are proud to publish here at for the first time:

1. Whenever you punch a woman in the face, do it off camera.

2. If you get caught doing anything illegal and/or unsavory on camera, destroy all available video.

3. If you do punch a chick and can't destroy the video, act contrite. Bury your face in your hands to show you're already on your way to redemption. Sports fans and writers love the word "redemption."  It is so meaningful to everyone.

4. Don't drag the unconscious body of the woman you've just knocked out like it's an inanimate sack of sand put on this earth for you to punch, beat or fuck as you please. That's what it's here for, of course, but most Americans don't understand the importance of your maintaining your street cred.

5. When you beat your wife or kids, don't leave marks.

6. If you make seven babies with seven different women, don’t claim you never knew the one that died; it makes you look less sensitive when beating the remaining six with sticks. (Adrian Peterson rule)

7. When you kill a guy, don't use a cell phone to contact your co-conspirators just before and just after the murder. (Aaron Hernandez rule)

8. Don't kick a guy in the face on national television. (even if he is only a relatively low-paid punter.)

9. Don't show your beautiful tattoos to the television audience. Surprisingly, tatting "Born to Fuck You Up" or a pit bull on your bicep won't help you win the public opinion you will need to conquer after your arrest for battery, child abuse, or murder.

10. Don't run dog fighting operations on property registered in your name. (Michael Vick rule)

11. When you beat a dog or shoot it in the head for failing to perform, do so without witnesses around to report it later. (Vick II)

12. When you kill your pregnant girlfriend, don't hire chatty friends to do the job. (Rae Carruth rule) Get a real professional.

13. When you saw off your wife's head, don't use a serrated-edge butcher knife that can be easily traced, and don't leave your own bloody glove and rare, size 12 Bruno Magli shoe prints at the crime scene. (O.J. Simpson rule)

14. When you pledge to look for the real murderers of your wife, find a way to get that done. It looks bad for your public image otherwise, and that's not good for you or the league.

15. When your clubbing with pals who murder a couple guys, pretend you don't know the shooters. (Ray Lewis rule)

16. Whenever you feel doubt about your own identity or street cred, get another tattoo. That will show them.

Have a nice day.