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Latest Articles

Memorial Multiple Choice

C. Wadsworth
Posted on Feb 03 2016 at 9:37 AM
Latest Articles | C. Wadsworth

In an effort to brighten your Memorial Day weekend, HoustonRepublican.com hereby presents our first Multi-state Bar Exam style quiz. See how you score!

1.You have a bizarre dream that one of your exes is dating a wheelchair bound vet who comes to you with a legal problem. Sadly, the claim is barred by res judicata – a term you haven't thought of since Civil Procedure that actually appears in your dream, YOU SHOULD:

A. Realize deems are merely electrical discharges, releasing a jumble of daily thoughts.

B. View the dream as a visit from the spirit world and contact the ex in question, C. Begin drinking heavily again.

2. You have found a fascinating new website jumpingjackflashhypothesis.bloodspot.com/

Sadly, it is about an ongoing planetary extinction event. YOU SHOULD:

A. Ignore the explosions, fires, vehicular accidents,animal die-offs etc and try and live normally B. Fly to Alaska on your summer break to investigate the hypothesis yourself C. Begin drinking heavily again.

3. In an effort to forget Question 2, you watch the NBA playoffs. Sadly the team you forgot to  bet on wins in overtime. YOU SHOULD:

A. Rejoice that gambling is one vice you have under control.

B. Rest assured your friends with real gambling problems cashed in C. Begin drinking heavily again.

4. You decide to celebrate Memorial Day, Sadly, you have every Monday off so you can't find any activity to break the mundane monotony. YOU SHOULD:

A. Buy some fireworks, find a veteran, and set them off for him or her B. Buy some fireworks, watch them spontaneously combust from the hydrogen sulfide in the air C. Begin drinking heavily again,

5. You have many good friends from every stage of your life. Sadly, many of them are going through divorces, mid-life crises etc and seek your advice weekly, YOU SHOULD:

A. Offer a sympathetic ear and suggest therapeutic writing B, Thank an imaginary God your childhood was so screwed up you never married C. Begin drinking heavily again.

6. You have a sudden epiphany that the only women who seem attracted to you nowadays are strippers and students. Sadly, both categories are notoriously psychotic. YOU SHOULD:

A. Ignore the pain and make it rain!

B. Suffer the cold-you"re too damn old

C. Begin drinking heavily again.

7.FINALLY, instead of relaxing on Memorial Day at a BBQ, pool party,or writing poems or songs SADLY You spend your afternoon penning this ridiculous quiz. YOU SHOULD:

A. Feel lucky for your relative privilege, you Illuminati Swine B. Feel miserable and shut up- no one wants wants to hear you whine C, Begin drinking heavily again.

SCORING: IF YOU ANSWERED A:REJOICE! You are a rational creature IF YOU ANSWERED B:WORRY! You are veering toward irrationality IF YOU ANSWERED C: In the immortal words of the legendary Amoralist Philosopher "Honest" Steve Cortez: Real Men don't commit suicide, they drink themselves to death.

GOD BLESS THE USA THIS MEMORIAL DAY-C WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

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