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Let GIs Beat It

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Feb 03 2016 at 9:28 AM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff

The urge to rape is as natural as the urge to expel the full bladder, slap your wife if she gets out of line, shoot exotic animals in the full bloom of life in order to mount their heads in your den to show friends, or yank on the old dobber when it angrily swells. I think Saxby Chambliss has the exact wrong idea about girlie magazines and masturbation. I think the army needs to encourage rather than discourage the soldiers to chisel the pages of their old Playboy magazines apart and have another go with the old jackhammer grip. Maybe they could use radar guns and make sport of it, see whose hand can move the fastest. All soldiers love guns.

With no masturbation outlet, you're going to have more rape, and the problem with rape, and especially gang rape, which is especially attractive to your soldier in the field (at least one million German women were raped by Soviet soldiers in WWII; the women's choice being to accept the rapes or get shot in the back while fleeing), is that mass rapes can cause outbreaks of STDs that could handicap our soliders in battle. If the other side's army – or terrorists, in this case – is full of jack handies without an STD and all our guys are hobbled by swollen members, painful discharges and syphillitic symptoms of insanity, we're at a serious disadvantage. Don't spare the magazine and wreck the soldier. Get our soldiers some MORE girlie magazines. And make no mistake, paper porn is decidedly better than the computer kind to promote our common cause, the endless war for the precious freedoms we've needed to curtail at home in order to export them abroad.

Jism-grizzled keyboards could cause all sorts of computer problems if all the military people have is internet porn to pound to. Hell, I'll take up a collection myself to send our boys in the field some masturbatory materials right now. At the very least, I can send the entire collection of Playboy and Penthouse mags from 1984 to 2005. I've never thumped the old pud to them myself, of course. I just read the articles and peruse the advertising to be sure I'm getting what I've paid the ad agencies for. My collection is in pristine condition, I can assure you of that. I certainly wouldn't send our soldiers anything but the best.

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