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Latest Articles

Legitimate Republicans can't be Gay

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Sep 26 2012 at 9:42 AM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff

I’m shocked, shocked to find the story that Tampa Bay’s gay prostitutes are gearing up to blow the cover off closeted gays at the Republican National Convention (Onion). Except for Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Bob Allen, Glenn Murphy, Jr., and (back in the day) Larry King procuring call boys for the Reagan Bush white house, and just a couple hundred others, there are hardly ANY gay scandals in the Republican party. Butt (sic) some Republican insiders are now calling the convention city  choice "Tampa Gay." When I hear those snickers, my face turns as red as my neck tie, and the American flag on my lapel pin nearly pops off my swelling (barrel, size 46) chest.

First of all, there’s no such thing as a gay republican. If you see a news story about a republican outed as gay, he’s not a “Legitimate Republican,” in the Rep Todd Akin (R-Mo.) sense. In the same manner that (as Akin made clear) a "Legitimate Rape" cannot result in pregnancy, a "Legitimate Republican" cannot result in gayness. The human body has ways of aborting those tendencies when the republican is legitimate, when his values are pure (or at least tending libertarian). When you see a republican accused of heinous homo acts, what you’re seeing, see, is a closeted democrat (in the Freudian realm of reaction formation) only ostensibly committing, or pretending to commit (because he’s not a "Legitimate Republican," the acts themselves won’t be counted in the final tally before St. Peter at the golden gate) Republican acts – like voting for tax cuts for us at the top and endless war (economic, foreign and domestic) on everybody else. Oh, will the tricks and lies and obfuscation of the liberal media ever end?

Reaction formation (the idea that a given action counters one’s intent in the metaphysics of the mind) easily explains and dismisses the "problem" of the surprising number of gays in the Republican party. Democrats are the party of queer bait, let me tell you. They got a “Legitimate Democrat,” Barney Frank (whom we call "Barney Fag" and really get a hardy hoot out of when we're shooting caged tigers in Texas or penned and netted pheasants with Dick Cheney in South Dakota. Legitimate Republicans like me and Dick hunt. That’s what we do.) Well, you can’t get any gayer than Barney voting to protect social security or trying to make the finance committee regulate the banks. That is SO queer I don’t even know where to start! That committee probably could have gotten something positive done if Barney wasn’t flirting with other members or playing footsie with Larry Craig, who, as you now know, was not a legitimate republican. I trust you will understand now that all this Republican homo stuff is wildly overblown. God bless America and the Republican party.

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