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Latest Articles

I'm not Gay, either

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Feb 03 2016 at 9:37 AM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff

"I'm not gay. So I'm not going to marry one," announced Georgia Republican Senator Saxby Chamblis. Very good, Senator. Amen and Hallelulia.

As a fellow Republican stalwart who knows our party's family values' platform is the very foundation of our powerful Christian edifice, I, too, am not gay. So I am not going to "marry one." I feel so good just saying that, to myself as well as to others. There is a joyous swelling in my heart so strong I need to repeat this like a Hare Krishna repeating his own mantra ("Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna, Hari Krishna, Krishna Hari") to better center myself in the faith of my choosing and gain the strength to continue the fight against the international homosexual conspiracy to destroy both the family and the state: "I am not gay. So I am not going to marry one."

Thank you, Mr. Chambliss, for speaking truth to gayness, for outing the liberal conspiracy to mainstream queerbait, to redefine and pervert moral concepts whose Bible creation and affirmation are indisputable.

Republicans unite, and repeat after Saxby: "I am not gay. So I am not going to marry one. I am not gay. So I am not going to marry one. I am not gay. So I am not going to marry one."

If ever you should doubt yourself, and get some tiny queer inkling that you might be a swish, or a potential switch-hitter, or a butt pirate, or what have you, just repeat Saxby's magical phrase, and the perversions which only Satan himself could have planted in your head will disappear like our chances of putting up a reasonable candidate for President in 2016.

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