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Help Wanted!

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Nov 04 2018 at 2:04 PM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff

We need to regroup and we need help. Slick Willie Clinton landed a heavy body blow at the DNC the other night with that "double down on trickle down" crap,  hot governor Jenny Granholm bitch-slapped us with Romney's Let Detroit Go Bankrupt N.Y. Times editorial,  thumped us with all those car jobs Obama saved with his Detroit bailout, and then that arrogant bastard himself trotted out all sorts of sensible arguments to which we are still trying to figure out how to respond.

We're in a pickle here, friends, so we are reaching out for a good  "newsperson." We need somebody (preferably blonde, buxom, bonded) who can look into the camera with her hair on fire and tell the audience she doesn't smell smoke. We know we've got a tough sell at None of our trickle down stuff has ever worked for anybody but those of us a the top of the food chain. Even our own guy, George H.W. Bush, called trickle down "voodoo economics" when Reagan's handlers first trotted it out. (Reagan became a serial tax raiser to correct trickle down's shortcomings, but let's keep that on the down low.) Every half-wit knows by now that urine is the only thing that trickles down, or the blood of the lamb on sinners.

Our economic policies seem – to outsiders – morally bankrupt, and many think our only vision for the future is one which sees us crowing from the top of the great dung heap we've made of the rest of the world and the U.S.. They also fear we hate anybody who thinks they're going to pull themselves up by their own boot straps to a level approaching our lofty height, that we're terrified of Negroes and Beaners and Arabs and Queers and anyone else who doesn't live in our gated community, and these people are crawling about EVERYWHERE. Well, of course it is all about fear for us, but it's more about putting our fears elsewhere, into the hearts and minds of our enemies, who are badly misunderestimating us if they think we're going to stand down from their DNC attacks.

To apply for the news job, please send your contact information and a full-body photo (preferably in a swimsuit or stylish undergarments) through our Contact page. Let's see if you've got the Right stuff.