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Latest Articles

Fat Albert Lookalike killed Himself

Anna Coldbottom
Posted on Oct 26 2014 at 4:27 PM
Latest Articles | Anna Coldbottom

Fat Albert simile Eric Garner was choked to death by his own hand rather than the police, according to the medical examiner. So before everyone from Al Sharpton to Mr. Garner's family gets all civil rightsy, let's remember the police are here to protect us. Eric Garner was big and scary and now he 's dead.

With all due respect to his family (and/or probable criminal associates) it's not like we lost Clarence Clemmons or somebody, the sax-blowing darling of Bruce Springsteen's E Street band, who died the most dignified death that most Black men can only dream of – one that did not involve his being shot, stabbed or choked to death by a police officer. In Garner's case, investigators found that his own heart disease contributed to his death, so New York's finest really just assisted him down the path he was already on, hence saving him from the less dignified weapons-related exit that most inner-city Black men meet on the streets.

The peace officers simply saw a problem: sidewalk blocked, and they simply solved it. Garner's body was blocking the sidewalk (and hence, commerce) like the plaque plugging his own arteries. If you just cut that plaque loose, the result is a catastrophic stroke, whether in one huge body or in one huger body – all of society. It's better that one piece of (relatively small) plaque be excised to save the whole metaphor of a neighborhood rather than to let it loose to wreak havoc on the entire social and economic  system. Survivors might also do well to think of Mr. Garner as collateral damage like that in Iraq or anyplace else we need to clean up. Collateral damage means that any unintended deaths that are only side effects of a larger goal can't be counted as actual deaths in the grand scheme of beautiful things.

Come on, People! This is 2014.  Everybody needs to get with the times. You can't just stand around on a sidewalk and do whatever you want. That is SO 1967. Everybody needs to modernize, trim the fat, eliminate redundancy, and most important of all, Downsize. If Garner wasn't so fat and diseased he wouldn't be dead. His diet and lifestyle choices were what killed him. Thank God the police report proves that. The police are cleared. Case closed. (with a friendly shout out to a personal hero of mine, Gerald Posner). Cheers!

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