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Latest Articles

Clint Eastwood Blows Big Gun

Anna Coldbottom
Posted on Feb 11 2013 at 2:59 PM
Latest Articles | Anna Coldbottom

Oh my God, y'all! Clint Eastwood! Are you serious! I couldn't stop crossing and re-crossing my legs when he doddered onto the RNC stage to thunderous applause. Who was not all aflutter? Be honest! Yes, he's old, bald, infirm, a bit Alzheimered and all that, but, Dearhearts, he's not like those REAL old people bleeding us dry on their social security or subsidized nursing home housing. Clint EARNED his way into our party with real movie star money!  Upstairs, where my husband normally sits on the internet(s) for hours investigating for his Manly Young Christian Republicans Against Porn (MYCRAP) projects, I could hear him stomping to the bathroom for extra tissue paper each time the crowd ejaculated for Clint. He was getting choked up like I was, that sweet man! Like me, he was probably remembering how Clint's Dirty Harry stared that dirty perp down the barrel of his huge gun and gave him the specs ("the most powerful handgun in the world!") and said, "Do you feel lucky, Punk?" Gosh, did I feel lucky thinking of that little perp as Barack Obama looking up at our huge star and just turning into a quivering little Sambo begging for his life.

Clint's whole life's work has helped us all so much, including his movie about the FBI agent who blames himself for JFK's death, which really helps us keep floating the CIA's longtime asset/patsy Lee Oswald as the lone shooter. And all those movies about violent revenge are exactly what we are about, just folks minding our own business, not hurting anyone until we are crossed by some nasties whom we then need to wipe out. Like the American Indians and Vietnamese people or Arabs or those dirty cops on Magnum Force, the lesson is so easy to understand. We just need to turn all our security and faith over to one man, like we did with George W. Bush, and he'll fix everything. Bush said "Trust me," and we all did and look how great it has all worked out! And everything always works out great in a Clint Eastwood movie, too. What's not to like? Go Clint! Go Republicans!

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