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CNN could name My Refrigerator President Elect

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Nov 22 2020 at 12:50 PM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff


CNN could name My Refrigerator President-Elect

– by Jack Mahoff

Dateline USA — Newsflash: CNN could (and our market research says it should) call the election for My Refrigerator which was also running last week. Once that "popular" network declares My Refrigerator President-Elect, the other mainstreamers will "play along" and presto! We've got us a Newer and Improvered President-Elect. (Yes, "improvered" is a word I just made up because I've learned from the best of the worst how to create fake news* every day for the good of the country, of course, as a way to fight systemic racism and attack President Donald Trump who is so, so evil!) All we need to do after CNN makes the call for My Refrigerator is tell "the people" that it received the necessary votes and no evidence says otherwise. It's a simple formula.

*Editor's note: There's fake news, of course, and then there's fake fake news, and then there's real fake news, as practiced by CNN: The Most Busted Name in News.

Chumps Chumped 

We've got the press releases all set for the announcement. . . might as well release them now, since the election is over, the victor decided, the chumps chumped. . .

My Refrigerator is President-Elect!

Congrats to my fridge for a hard-fought but totally fair contest. Its VP running mate is My Kitchen Faucet, which drips like the tiny, grudging rivulets of truth that occasionally seep through the mainstream news and social media wall of censored and fake (but important, paternal, necessary, because how can we grownups let a bunch of child-like, NASCAR-watching, abortion-hating, flag-waving, gun-hugging, America-loving, God-fearing, Trump-cheering imbeciles steer the country with THEIR retarded votes?) news. But now is not the time to attack or denigrate Trump or Trump voters. Now is the time to bring the country together as one to support our new leader, President-Elect My Refrigerator. Now is the time for heeling (like good dogs) and national unity, as My Refrigerator and Kitchen Faucet (the first VP of color – burnished chrome) assemble a crack transition team.

Inclusion, Diversity, Tolerance, Punditry

I think what got us the win was our hopeful message of Inclusion, Diversity, and Tolerance. My Refrigerator isn't white or black, avocado or beige. Anyone looking closely into its reflective metal face will see only the loving glow of the self gazing back, so that only demented self haters could possibly hate My Refrigerator. (Somewhere there's a slogan in there at least as shrewd as BLM's) President Elect My Refrigerator is not American, Chinese (though I think it was made in China), Native American, Korean, Indian, Whatever. President-Elect My Refrigerator is neither man nor woman. It comes with no baggage whatsoever, save for the gender-neutral foodstuffs it chills for hungry humans.

Non-Offensive, Presidential, Quiet Runner

                               Perhaps most importantly, President-Elect My Refrigerator always presents a brave (and clean and shiny!) front. It behaves very "Presidential" at all times, which is important, because all the political pundits say so. It runs quietly 24 hours a day. It does not stir the rabble in any fashion at all, ever. My Refrigerator does not even have a Facebook page or a Twitter account. It is almost impossible for it to offend anyone, which was always a vital part of our running strategy, because peoples' feelings and perceptions are more important than "truth" or "reality" now, or whether the Wuhan virus really came from China or not. My Refrigerator did not, and will not, talk about who created the virus that has locked down the world, destroyed millions of lives, nor will it suggest or argue for, or against, more lockdowns, forced vaccines, or mask mandates. But perhaps most importantly, President-Elect My Refrigerator hates "systemic racism" so much, hates it a lot more than all the other candidates who were running, which is probably one major reason why so many people voted for it. (We'll do some more market research on that and get back to you and all the ace pundits telling the country what to think, when it's ok to hug Grandma, how to wear a mask for virtue signaling, whom to hate, et al.)

A Call for Unity and Help!

The important thing is that now is not the time to ask what your country can do for you. Now is the time to ask what you can do for President-Elect My Refrigerator, because it cannot speak for itself. It's not eloquent, or even fluent in English. It could not even speak up for itself when it once needed repairs for a broken ice maker. That sad incident taught President-Elect My Refrigerator what it's like to be hobbled by the mystical vicissitudes of what could, with little imagination, always be blamed on someone else (its manufacturer, poor maintenance, indifferent users, a sitting president, pick 'em) and was so obviously another major reason why so many Americans "identified" with President-Elect My Refrigerator and voted for it. (Identity politics is so hot right now.)

Thanks for your support!!!

Editor's Note: We've written a bit of satirical satyricon here for years, bashing Trump and republicans every chance we get, but now that our MO has been co-opted by every mainstream media outlet in the country, we are feeling redundant as hell. We thought we were joking when we used to say the democrat party was planning to destroy our Republic. But now we really do see these ain't your daddy's democrats, certainly not FDR's, JFK's, Jimmy Carter's or even Diamond Bill Clinton's. These "identicrat" democrats are just garden variety Bolsheviks with the entire ugly power of Joe and Hunter Biden's Chinese communist friends and the mainstream media on their side. Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy ride watching old Joe try to sleepwalk his way into the presidency.