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Butt Sex Blues?

Hardy Bohner
Posted on Feb 03 2016 at 9:52 AM
Latest Articles | Hardy Bohner

Though I have admittedly  turned from the Catholic faith of my youth, I am still reluctant to speak of some of the reasons why, and I am particularly loathe to give a Jew – whose people slaughtered Christ for turning out the money lenders in the church – any more ammunition to use against Christians. Nevertheless, our own Morty Rabinovitzski (a former rabbi) does strike a discordant cord of truth with his explication of  Ryan's "Personhood Initiative."  It could, by making all abortions and most forms of birth control illegal, encourage acts of sexual congress not sanctioned by the state.

I've got to agree with the Jew on this one. It strikes me also that Ryan's Personhood Initiative will indeed promote  anal sex, or "butt sex" (as one of my more delicate fellows in the Jesuit seminary called it), as does,  I'm sure,  the teaching of "Abstinence only" and other well-intended Republican initiatives to preserve the sanctity of the baby channel. Please let me explain with a real life example.

A close friend of mine in high school was dating a Catholic girl who would not practice birth control for religious reasons, but who had otherwise healthy human appetites. In the course of their heavy petting one night, she had an epiphany: If her boyfriend accessed the  "poop chute" – as she called it – she could still avoid the church's sanction against birth control and she could also preserve her virginity! Eureka! She wore white to her marriage years later to a vice president of "Young Republicans for Christ," and except for chronic hemhorroids (she had practiced Christian-safe butt sex several hundred times, my friend said), she was a perfectly healthy woman who had indeed preserved both her committment to the church never to practice birth control, and her own personal commitment to remain a virgin until marriage.   

So if you like taking it up the back side – and a lot of people apparently do – you will enjoy the Ryan plan. It is an ingenious, win-win move by the junior congressman from Wisconsin to not only garner the crucial butt-sex-fan vote, but also to preserve the sanctity of marriage – between a man and a woman, of course.

Now if we can only convince the unemployed poor around the world that the poop chute is the preferred channel for human congress, we won't be having to starve as many of them to death using Morty's people at the World Bank and the IMF to make loans with conditions and interest rates so penal that they and their children are brought to their knees for the rest of their lives.

Let's bring people to their knees for the right reasons, in the prayer position, bent for the butt sex the Ryan "Personhood" plan encourages and allows them. Let them all feel and enjoy the powerful thrust of Republican Family Values.

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