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American Diaper

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Feb 03 2016 at 9:53 AM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff

Unlike front line soldiers who charge machine gun nests, face the enemy in hand-to-hand combat, get their brains blown out by "friendly fire" (ala Pat Tillman) – that sort of thing – snipers "engage" their targets from a safe distance, preferably a mile or so like Chris Kyle's character in the movie, preferably 3,000 miles like an American President directing unmanned drones from the safety of a White House coffee clutch. 

Snipers have not drawn much attention from filmmakers in the past. Snivelers might suspect that's because nobody wants to see a war movie that doesn't feature an extreme closeup of a knife being driven into a guy's guts or sternum (who doesn't remember, with a delicious shiver, the american soldier being oh-so-slowly impaled on a Nazi knife in Saving Private Ryan?), or a G.I. taking a head shot right next to the movie's hero as they tearfully peruse pics of their kids. The reason we haven't seen snipers properly glorified is a lot closer to home than that. 

The problem is that snipers are boring because they're too much like us. We're all snipers now, diapered infants waiting for help to arrive and clean up the mess we've made, pointing from afar at our easy targets. It's fun to eat and sleep and shit, until you wake up in it. This mess can't be mine! Who put this here? I didn't sign up for lying in a pile of mystery mush unable to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I don't even have any boots. All I got are little socks if Mommy put them on before lifting me from the cage she keeps me in. There's a larger force, an adult out there who created and is causing all these problems. There's someone else to blame. There's always someone else to blame; that's the first lesson. 

So lie back and eat and watch, and lock and load the diaper, then wait for that person, the mother, the other, to come and clean up the mess. Sight the enemy, the other mother, down the first digit, the one we all use in our first act of learning to point, assign blame and demand action. Then breathe deep, exhale just halfway, then gently, gently caress the trigger towards you with that steady pointer that has never failed to get you what you need. Then all your problems will be solved. There's not a problem we can't kill with a gun. 

We're americans, by God. American Snipers.

Sniper is a pejorative term without the right adjective in front of it: German Sniper, Arab Sniper, Russian Sniper – those all sound wrong, bad. American Sniper, on the other hand, is totally different. You know an American Sniper is good because the word "American" is right there in front. That brand carries at least as much weight as the old "Good Housekeeping" seal.

Coming American Attractions

Hopefully we can look forward to a lot more American movies, maybe even a bonafide American series from brilliant American director Clint Eastwood: American Murderer, American Pedophile, American Torturer, American Buggerer. . . the possibilities never end. There's nothing that can't be sanitized and revised, cleaned up like a dirty diaper, even made attractive by putting the magical adjective 'American' in front of it.