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Dick Cheney Fun Facts

Jack O'Mahoff
Posted on Feb 03 2016 at 9:43 AM
Latest Articles | Jack O'Mahoff

No other person we know has shown fellow Republicans how to bolster and diversify our investment portfolios by aligning our own private interests with our own "public service." Why NOT draw a government salary while enriching your  friends and yourself by wrapping yourself in the flag and declaring danger everywhere? Americans have a much better chance of dying in their own homes or cars than in a terrorist attack, but since the insurance industry already has those tolls covered, the most profitable thing to do is promote terror alerts and cash in on the fear. Nobody knows this territory better than Dick Cheney, whom we affectionately refer to as Darth Cheney, or Dr. Fear.

Dick smoothly continues to re-surface whenever we need to sound the alarm to keep the "War on Terror" alive so the money will continue to flow to the military surveillance state corporatocracy which continues to enrich and improve the quality of our lives in ways too numerous to count.

We can, however, count to 50 for this simple tribute to Dick which we hope even he can find amusing. Though we've never met the man (despite his sometimes "living" in our very own Houston), we sense that beneath the tough exterior he uses to show the enemies of America that we (he) can't be messed with, laughter is just itching to break out and give his latest plastic-reinforced heart a nice healthy workout.

50 Fun Facts about Dick Cheney

1. Dick Cheney’s real name was Wolfgang Killingfield. He changed it to Dick Cheney because it sounded tougher.

2. Dick Cheney had to destroy the country in order to save it.

3. Dick Cheney is in the oil services business. The oil services business is a very good business, you betcha.’

4. The last time Dick Cheney flew commercial was the last time any airline used the term “Friendly Skies.”

5. Dick Cheney gives all the pretty women he meets pearl necklaces, even if they don’t want one.

6. Nietzsche wrote that if you stare into the abyss long enough, it stares back into you. Dick Cheney scowled at the abyss so hard it cried like a baby, and it has never, ever, since dared to stare back at him.

7. Dick Cheney’s Luciferian nickname is Lucifer.

8. On Christmas day in Dick Cheney’s house, many sacrifices are made. Human sacrifices.

9. A reporter once asked Dick Cheney where he disappeared to on Sept. 11 while planes flew willy nilly for nearly an hour in the most protected airspace in the world. Dick stared at the reporter with a snarl so powerful that it gave the man’s pet beagle rabies and his wife AIDS. 

10. Huey Long said every man is a King. Dick Cheney knows every man is a subject, and probably a terrorist.

11. James Bond has a license to kill. Dick Cheney has a license to kill James Bond.

12. After Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face and the man lay writhing in the grass wondering if he would ever see again, Dick Cheney urinated in his eyes to cleanse them. Dick’s quick response probably saved the man’s vision, but Dick also wanted  to remind his friend that he was Dick Cheney, and he had better keep his pie face out of Dick’s line of fire.

13. Dick Cheney is an idea man who is never outdone. Donald Rumsfeld was properly proud of his water boarding program at Abu Graib, but it was Dick's idea to incentivize torture for participants. Dick introduced radar guns for the forced masturbation exercises. The man whose hand moved the fastest won a one-day exemption from water boarding.

14. Dick Cheney can kill you in more ways than you fear.

15. When Dick Cheney picked himself as the best VP candidate the party could offer in 2000, that was a good pick, a really good pick. The party could not go wrong with that one. No, Sir. Dick was the best man for that job. No question.

16. When Dick Cheney has a headache, the whole world takes a shower, biding its time to prepare for the next round of rape and murder.

17. Dick Cheney falls in love again and again in unforgettable revelries that last until the mirror shatters, or until he ejaculates, whichever comes first.     

18. Dick Cheney liked to smoke cigars until somebody deftly slipped a fat Cuban into his mouth at a fund raiser. Dick spit it out almost immediately, but not before pretending to swallow the self aggrandizing story of the Bush Pioneer who gave it to him. Dick is all about stealth, and about pretending to swallow while actually spitting. That’s what it means to be a statesman, a man of the world, a man who will do anything to save his country from democratic rule.   

19. Some believe it’s best to say nothing if you can’t say something “nice.” Dick Cheney knows such people are weak, unassuming, easy to kill.

20. If Dick Cheney tells you to fuck yourself (as he once demanded of Democratic senator Patrick Leahy), you need to figure out how to get that done.

21. Dick Cheney knows that wealth trickles down, way down. If he trickles any on you, be very grateful. Be very, very grateful.

22. When TSA starts going to full cavity searches at the airport, always remember that Dick Cheney said the agency is there to save you. They need to look up your ass to make sure a terrorist didn’t plant something up there when you weren’t looking.

23. Dick Cheney genetically modifies his wife's food so that she never, ever questions him. Since his wife hails from Nebraska and enjoys GM corn, this program requires no forced feeding.

24. Being charged by a plastic pump rather than a human heart allows Dick Cheney to torture and kill people with moral impunity. Men with hearts are weak, as a rule, because you can stop the man by stopping his heart. Dick Cheney is unstoppable because he has no heart.    

25. Rocky XXIV/Cheney I features Dick Cheney as a challenger who not only beats Rocky down into a crying jag, but also rapes Talia Shire and kills Rocky’s bulldog with a ball bat. This will, thankfully, be the last Rocky movie. We can’t tell you the plot of Cheney II, but we can reveal that extras who don’t cheer lustily enough for Dick Cheney will not appear in Cheney III, nor at their homes ever again.

26. The last time Dick Cheney laughed was in 1972 when he saw a Black paraplegic in a rainbow-colored stocking cap who couldn't reach the buttons from his wheelchair in the voting booth.

27. Dick Cheney's urine is collected by scientists and used to cure cancer, whenever there is any left over from its primary use as a truth serum in the IV concoctions forcefed to suicidal prisoners at Gitmo.

28. Men barb their cocks' claws in the great sport of cockfighting. Dick Cheney's cock is strapped with mini RPGs which Dick launches by remote control from his secret bunker. Dick’s cock kills not only the other cock, but its handler and anybody else at the ring who bet against Dick's cock.
29. Dick Cheney has performed all his own heart surgeries, unassisted.

30. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are not just competitive Luchadores in masked tag team wrestling in Mexico, they are unbeaten. The only problem is finding new competitors who haven’t yet heard that all their holds are lethal.
31. The priorities Dick Cheney had which enabled him to avoid the Vietnam War draft included plastic explosives, a video camera, a shovel, quicklime, a ten-foot length of rope, and three pairs of women’s panties. The priorities also involve an enormous erection. Any erection involving Dick Cheney can only be described as enormous.

32. Dick Cheney did not want to shoot his friend in the face; he  felt he owed it to him to show everyone how precious life is, and how quickly it can all be over.

33. Dick Cheney’s dick is so big. . .  (insert your own phrase here to show your personal appreciation for the enormity of Dick’s member. Just remember that Dick Cheney and the NSA, TSA and CIA are watching, and also remote viewing your thoughts.)   

34. Dick Cheney never laughs. Laughter requires spontaneity, levity, frivolity, a certain unseriousness that can even stray into childishness – all of which are anathema to the statesmanship needed to run a country and mold minds into the kind of lockstep conformity that controlling a democracy requires.

35. Dick Cheney had a dream that one day all men would be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their fearsome rhetoric, for how well they increase quarterly earnings for weapons contractors.

36. Foremost among Dick Cheney's priorities for avoiding the Vietnam War draft in 1967 was preparing for his vice presidential run in 2000.

37. Dick Cheney's limousine is upholstered with the soft, pliable skin of liberals.

38. Topping the list of Dick Cheney's priorities for avoiding the Vietnam War draft was the acquisition of a goat's head and a rape kit.

39. Dick Cheney showers in unfiltered river water run through lead pipes made of depleted uranium. Toxic waste and heavy metals all make Dick Cheney stronger, as they do anyone who is not weak or sensitive.

40. Dick Cheney’s airplane plays music from just one composer – Richard Wagner – and just one movie, endlessly, a five-minute loop of W’s triumphant “Mission Accomplished” landing on the aircraft carrier in San Diego. Guests on Dick’s plane are instructed by a CIA case officer to utter nothing the entire flight except for one phrase, with an intonation of enormous respect: “He really stuck that landing.” One onboard diplomat laughed at the whole scene, and the idea, thinking he had been set up for a joke. His body has never been found.

41. Dick Cheney considered joining the Peace Corp to get into the international politics game. The only problem was that he hated the name and all the Peace Corp stood for.

42. Dick Cheney lives by one motto: Loser Pays. (You can’t get more American than that.)

43. The highest compliment Dick Cheney ever received came from a democrat (who died in a plane crash) who said:  “He’s an ok guy, for a murderer.”

44. Some people display a tiny model of Jesus on the cross in their homes. Dick Cheney keeps an Arab from Gitmo nailed up on his bedroom wall. The groans and screams of agony help Dick sleep the sleep of the righteous, as peace is able to settle in his heart with the visceral knowledge that he is keeping America safe from terrorists.

45. Dick Cheney’s parties are always fun until the bodies start piling up.

46. Charity used to sit humbly in Dick Cheney’s heart, but he had it removed.

47. Dick Cheney knew Iraqis would greet U.S. troops in Baghdad with flowers. He didn’t tell troops the flowers wouldn’t appear until they were in body bags; he had too much respect for their fighting spirit to tell them that.

48. When Dick Cheney looks into the mirror, he snarls at what he sees. He wants to kill that bald-headed sonuvabitch who dares to look him in the eye. Oh, does he want to kill him. He will, someday, oh precious someday, when that sneaky dirty bastard is not looking like he knows his next move.

49. Dick Cheney was known as “The Wad” by his college fraternity. Perhaps he carried a large roll of bills in his pocket, or perhaps he was the best hung man in the house. We report, you decide.

50. Dick Cheney has trouble getting laughs for his legendary jokes. His audience listens so intently in order to laugh at the proper moment that they always hyperventilate and pass out before the punch line. If they do make it to the punch line and don’t laugh loud enough, they’ll never hear another joke from Dick Cheney, or from anybody else.